Before I say anything else, let me say that I love my husband. Deep down, from the gut, head over heels, the Beast-loves-Belle, kind of love. I love the obviously loveable things about him (dude’s got great calves), and I love the not as loveable (his B.O. and the way it sounds when he snores). For the months that we spent apart during deployment, all I wanted was for us to be together. I would see other couples doing couple things, and I’d wish that Stephen and I could do couple things. Or I’d see couple’s fighting, and I would swear that Stephen and I would never be like those people.
When my brother and his fiance moved in together, I remember them talking about some of the growing pains that come with learning to live with someone for the first time. I listened to the little hiccups they were experiencing and I thought to myself, “If Stephen was here, I wouldn’t care about his dirty clothes on the floor or the dishes that he would leave in the sink! They just wouldn’t matter!” (Before our marriage became long distance, those were my two big pet peeves.)
Fast forward to July. Stephen is home, dirty clothes are on the floor, and my distaste for those dirty clothes has not magically evaporated. I have way, way more patience when it comes to crap like that then I did previously, but let’s be real, I have some OCD tendencies. Those things don’t just poof! go away.
It seems to me that there is a cultural narrative around being separated from a loved one. It goes something along the lines of, “You love each other. You are tortured by being apart. You are blissfully reunited. All is right with the world. You live happily ever after!” Maybe that’s true of some people, but that’s not true of us. (Even our blissful reunion was stressful; it was so reassuring to read in the comments that other people had similar experiences.)
Life is messy (as is our bedroom at the moment). Emotions are tangled and complicated. People have quirks. Just because we spent a lot of time apart, it doesn’t mean that it is all sunshine and rainbows at the Army Amy household.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s mostly sunny with many rainbows. And we are pretty darn blissful as of late. And even when it sucks, it’s better than being apart. But togetherness does not equal perfection. We’ve been together for almost 11 years. I gave up on perfection around year 3.
Since Stephen has been home:
- We have fought
- I have cried out some deployment stress (even though, yes, the deployment is over)
- he has left dirty clothes on the floor
- I left a wash cloth on the shower faucet
- he has driven like a maniac
- I have dramatically clutched my chest like a grandma when he drives
- We have debated (intensely) who killed JFK. (I know I’m right and he’s wrong on this one!)
- I have crushed the illusion of my ladylikeness by letting loose some monster farts
- Stephen has let his dirty dishes sit in the sink
I guess this is what “happily ever after” is alluding to, dirty dishes and stinky farts.
During a deployment (or any time apart) it’s easy to put each other up on a pedestal. That, however, does a disservice to both of us. We are real people with real faults. And we need to learn (and re-learn) how to live with each other and make the best of it.
July has treated us pretty well, but part of that is because we know this is temporary. (Germany reclaims my husband within the week.) When we live together permanently again (soon, I hope!), I am bracing myself for more growing pains and more ”happily ever after.”
What’s your take on happily ever after? Does it exist? What does your partner do that drives you bananas? Or vise versa? Is it really that bad? (I’ll admit it, the dirty clothes on the floor thing really isn’t a big deal; it just bugs me and I can’t help but be annoyed by it)*
I have heard that there is always a little bit of an adjustment period after a deployment. Of course you and your husband are head over heels for each other, but it’s understandable that it won’t be 100% perfect all at the start. It will just take a little time for everything to fall back into place like it did before. J. Alabama and I experience this quite often even when he’s only been gone for a short amount of time (a week here or there out in the field for army training). It sounds like you are both being patient with eachother, and honestly once you know when/where you are going to move I bet things will be even better. I find that the uncertainty that comes with the army (like not knowing where you are going to live, or when you are going to move) makes things way more stressful. We are in that boat now. LOL. But just keep taking each day at a time, and hug and love that man of yours!! So glad that he is finally home!
The uncertainty is the WORST. I’m so type-A (although the Army is definitely working on breaking me of that), so it is really hard for me to try to envision the future with so many question marks swirling around. It definitely adds to my stress and anxiety. Hopefully you are handling your uncertainty better than I am handling mine!*
I wonder if Stephen is upset that you publicly admitted that he pretty much gets out-farted by you. ha!
The thing that drives me bananas about my man is that he has a love affair with his smartphone. If that thing is on, no one else exists in the world. Probably what bugs him most about me is that I want to plan everything in advance so we don’t end up wasting time. He might admit that no matter how irritating it is, it has significantly improved his life (we’ve done so much fun stuff!) Pretty sure I can’t say anything positive like that about his obsession with Words With Friends and Modern War or any of the other ridiculous things he gets into on his phone.
For you: patience and hugs. That’s what Dr Janelle (ha!) recommends
Ah, the smartphone. I am guilty of that. (Stephen doesn’t have a smartphone right now, so when I check stuff on mine, he gets perturbed. Fair enough.) *
I don’t think “Happily Ever After” exists but more like Happily most of the time after! No one is perfect and no relationship can be perfect. It sounds like you know that and just take the rain with the rainbows
“Happy most of the time” sounds pretty good to me. I’ll take it!*
I think happily ever after does exist – it just does not mean being completely joyous and content and satisfied every single moment of every single day. I think it means at a high level being happy that you are together, enjoying each other’s company, and overall enjoying your life together. There is no such things as a completely “perfect” relationship – and even if there was, that in and of itself means something is wrong. We learn by seeing differences in opinions, habits, and perspectives – and that makes us stronger. If there were no differences, then there would be no strength or learning to obtain. And quite frankly, then life would be boring as can be. So happily ever after, in my opinion, is more of an overall view of learning to embrace everything about each other, no matter what. And it sounds like you’ve done that!!! =)
I love your perspective on this. So true that happily ever after does not = joyful 100% of the time. (That’s just be obnoxious, anyway.)*
I love reading your blog. My boyfriend leaves for deployment soon and it is nice to read your views on it. I think “happily ever after” can exist, but not without work. Both people have to be committed to making a relationship work…it isn’t going to happen on its own.
I have plenty to say when it comes to deployment! For now, I’ll just send you some virtual hugs. No matter where your man goes or what he’ll be doing, it’s hard. But I’m here for you!*
In typical Bianca fashion, I shall bust out a movie quote:
You know, I believe if there is any kind of God, it wouldn’t be in any of us. Not you or me. But just this little space in between. If there is any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know—it’s almost impossible to succeed but… who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.
-Celine, Before Sunrise
So for me, it’s not really about “happy ever after,” but rather the moments in between the fights and the farts and the dirty clothes. ‘Cause like the quote says, there’s magic in those moments. So screw Hollywood’s happily-ever-after-reunited-and-it-feels-so-good narrative. Magic is way cooler anyway
Best comment ever?
Thanks
It’s no secret, I think Bianca is very wise! And great quote!*
Amen! This doesn’t just apply to those who were deployed, but to ALL marriages!
Glad to know that we are normal!*
Haha this is so appropriate because just last night I was threatening my deployed husband over a mess he left behind. I’m packing for R&R, which means packing for him also, and had to open the closet in his study that I’ve honestly never opened to find stuff he asked me to pack. Oh my gosh. I couldn’t even slide the door open, and when I finally got it open, a waterfall of junk (mostly Army crap!) tumbled down burying me. The dogs ran from the room. And I recalled how a year ago, when we first moved in, we had many fights over him organizing all that stuff. Now I know he just shoved it all in a closet! Last night’s convo involved an ultimatum that if he didn’t have that closet cleaned and organized within 3 months of his return, I would be moving out into a luxury Waikiki hotel (we’re stationed in HI) until it is dealt with!
Even with him on the other side of the world fighting for our freedom, he doesn’t get a pass on being a slob;)
I told my husband I’d have to destroy him if he didn’t start rinsing out his cereal bowls and putting them in the dishwasher. And then yelled at him for something he did when I was in the hospital post c-section. We made up 10 minutes later, but sometimes you gotta get it out! Also, hormones make me crazy.
Doesn’t happily ever after exist in the form of knowing that it is not all roses and happy times. It’s the surviving through stress, fights, etc. and still coming back together and loving each other. We both have things that annoy us about our significant others just as much as we both do things that have to annoy the significant other. But we know these relationships are meant to be! Love the honesty of your post – since we don’t have husbands on deployment that’s not something on our radar. And it is definitely easy to think that every moment you and Stephen have together right now is all smiles and roses!
Hubs and I have had plenty of experience with the gone/reunited thing. Deployments, training cruises, weird work hours. Honestly, it wasn’t until we moved to Texas that we had a “normal” life. It took us a LONG while to get adjusted to each other. The easy example, I wasn’t used to sharing the remote. “What? You don’t love HGTV too?” It’s so normal, and you’ll figure it out.
PS. Awesome people leave their clothes all over the floor because they have stuff to do. (I might have just confessed to something here.)
Oh I know exactly what you mean. The first time Lane and I were separated for a few months I was so excited to plan our first night together. It ended up going horribly, horribly wrong. Like his friends throwing up in my house wrong. I think the expectation actually made the disappointment even worse.
I LOLed at “I have dramatically clutched my chest like a grandma when he drives.” This is totally me too.