We all have skeletons in our closets. Mine happen to take the shape of crumbling relationships, family members on the “no talk to” list. (Kind of like the “no fly” list, but with phones and e-mail.) This is something that used to really embarrass me. But I’ve come to realize (a) I’m not the only one with people like this in my life, (b) you can’t choose your family, and (c) I haven’t done anything wrong, so there’s no need to feel guilt or shame.
This is what my relationship used to be like with my father. When he and my mom got divorced, he assured me, “This has nothing to do with our relationship. Nothing will change.” But our relationship was impacted and it did change. We had a few years of freeze out between us. I think it was what we needed though. It was what I needed. Space to breathe and come to terms with all that had happened.
A relationship so icy, only Mr. Freeze could appreciate it. Zing!
A few years ago, we had a heart to heart conversation. Some really important things happened: We both apologized. I acknowledged the ways I had been hurt. We both decided we wanted to move forward.
The best part of all this is that we have moved on. I will never be a daddy’s girl, all our special shared memories are from when I was little, I rarely see him (being that he lives in Florida and I live in Germany. There is that whole “ocean” thing.) but I feel a relief knowing that our relationship is in a better place. We e-mail each other weekly, sometimes more. And I know that he supports me even if he doesn’t always agree with me. When it comes to important relationships, I think that support, validation, and reassurance are worth a lot.
Wouldn’t you know it, in the years that I’ve repaired my relationship with my father, I have had another family relationship fall by the wayside and turn into a freeze out, “no talk list,” yucky-yucky relationship.
On Christmas Eve, I was reading e-mails from my family members and friends far and wide, when what to my wondering facebook message box did appear, but a message from this person that I didn’t want to hear.
It was in the guise of an apology, and yet “sorry” was nowhere to be seen. It was long. And it had no place to be sent on the eve of a holiday. I think it was this person’s way of clearing his conscience. He could “apologize” and say all the reasons he is right and he could wish me ill and he could feel like he did the noble thing by reaching out, even though no sane person would see it that way.
My immediate response was to reply. And it would have been a nasty reply. (I might seem meek, but, baby, when the gloves come off, well, I’m still kind of meek, but I use bad words.) I avoided the initial response.
My second inclination was to out him. Blast him on Facebook or Twitter or shout it from a mountain top all the brouhaha he was spewing. But that’s just not my brand of crazy, nor is it very nice. Again, I resisted.
I really wanted to call my mom. She’s a pro at handling things like this. But I couldn’t. So I did the next best thing: I asked myself, “What Advice Would Mom Give?” also known as WAWMG. (Admittedly not as catchy as WWJD.) I had a pretty good idea of some things my mom might suggestion, one being the idea of writing a letter in response to this person but not sending it. So I did.
This is exactly what I looked like while I wrote the letter.
I wrote and wrote and wrote. I was tapping out a symphony of insults and indignation on the keyboard. When I was done, I hit save, and I felt better. (You can go one step further and rip up or burn the letter, but I wasn’t feeling that dramatic at the time.)
When I told Stephen about it later, we were tucked into bed and giggled like little kids. “Oh, hehehe, the things this family member said! Oh, haha, the things I ‘responded’ with. Giggle giggle.” I realized that I felt so much better. The anger I felt before had evaporated. I was glad that I got everything out on paper, but even more glad that I didn’t engage in a conversation with this person. Just like I needed space to work things out with my dad, I think that we need space to work things out with this guy, too. But that’s ok. We’ve got time.
What’s some excellent advice your mom has given you over the years? The other biggie was when my mom told me “talk to strangers” when dropping me off at college for my freshman year. How do you handle confrontation? I’m totally passive, some times passive aggressive, rarely aggressive, but I try to be assertive.*
My relationship with my father started out a lot like yours did. Unfortunately after the period of acceptance and harmony, for some reason we’ve fallen back into an icey freeze. I’ve tried to be the bigger person on many occasions, but I’m pretty much done with that. It’s probably petty and I’ll probably regret it some day. But just once I would like to be the child in the relationship.
The best advice my mom ever gave me was that I don’t always have to like someone, but I should always be polite and nice (that last one isn’t always possible though). You never know when you’ll need a favor from someone.
Some relationships are worth the work and others aren’t. If my dad hadn’t changed, we probably still wouldn’t be talking. (And he and my older brother aren’t on speaking terms, and probably never will be. But that’s the way my brother likes it.)*
I’m a lot like you, although I RARELY find myself in situations requiring confrontation, as I try to avoid it like the plague. I’m usually very passive, but when I get mad, the gloves come off. I would have done exactly what you did. It’s nice to unload and say bad words and then let it go. If you had sent it, you would have felt terrible afterwards. Adding the guilt factor to the mad and hurt factor would only make things a zillion times worse. It’s hard to find the right balance between defending yourself and setting the record straight and not just spewing off at the mouth, sounding like a petty jerk. When I was in second grade, there was girl named Rachel who liked to pick on me. She was awful and called me fat, even though she wasn’t exactly a waif, but that’s not the point. My mom encouraged me to respond to Rachel with kindness, which was hard to do. Love your enemies, blah, blah, blah….. I even had to bring her hair ribbons for her stupid pony tail braids. But, she eventually stopped picking on me, so perhaps my mom’s method worked. She has always said, ‘you don’t have to like a person, but you do have to treat them kindly. I prefer passive-aggressive eye rolling and deep sighing, but I can see her point. Ha!
Oooh, the kill ‘em with kindness approach! And you gave her ribbons? That’s above and beyond. Good that it worked. I’ll have to remember that the next time I have a hater in my midst. I shall buy her hair ribbons!
It was oh-so-tempting to tell this person where to go (know what I mean?), but like you said, I knew I’d regret it. I feel better being the bigger person and I was able to get all my anger out of me and move on.*
Loving the new hairstyle you’re rocking at the typewriter! haha. Sweet image.
Having red hair AND an older brother, you can guess that I don’t put up with any crap. I say it like it is and put it all out there. I’m very emotional, get worked up quickly when I feel strongly about something (which is often), and have a hard time choosing my battles (I choose all of them!) Don’t I sound like a catch?! I admire that you were able to handle this situation so well and keep your cool. Plus, you didn’t give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that he got under your skin!
My Mom’s best advice is “listen to your mother.” hahaha. I am 120% sure she would answer the same way. Seriously though, I have no idea. Too many nuggets of wisdom. I must bottle her up and preserve her for all of eternity!
I admire that you speak your mind. I wish I could do that more. I guess I do when I feel like it really matters (Stephen gets more than an ear-full about every little thing!), but lots of times I just swallow my opinions. Thus the need to write those feelings out later.
Haha – I love the mom advice to listen to your mother. It’s funny, but it’s also true!*
This is weird but I used to take my rants to the shower. I’d flip out on someone in my head while showering because that’s where my best thinking takes place. I’d get in lots of good jabs and speak my mind! By the time my shower was over, I was feeling a-okay. Typing it out like you did sounds like a great idea too! Next time
…if I can manage to bite my tongue 
Ranting in the shower sounds pretty darn smart to me. You can leave feeling clean and less-stressed!*
You are so right to say that you shouldn’t be embarrassed by family issues, WE ALL HAVE THEM! When my dad left I was 15 and had never seen my parents fight and it took me 10 whole years to fully forgive my dad of that. He has always remanded a part of my life and slowly over the years we have mended things but I know it will never be the same. I always have to guard what I say and do and keep him at arms distance on many things. But I am glad that I still have him in my life. Through the entire divorce process I really admired my mom because she always encouraged my sisters and I to honor my dad no matter the mistakes that he made. We could be upset and hurt and we could chose not to talk to him but she told us we always had to honor and respect him as another human being. That has always stuck with me and I will always hear her say those words. She of all people had every single right to be horrible to my dad but chose not to and chose to make sure her girls weren’t either. People make mistakes and say and do very hurtful things and whether it’s intentional or not they are still people and deserve respect, even if that respect is choosing not to talk to them.
*remained
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like your mom handled the situation with incredible grace! Not easy given the circumstances.*
Oh, I got the Christmas Eve “note” from my person that’s currently on the no talk list. However, that person is my mom. She hasn’t spoken to me in over a year and her note spoke nothing of an apology and instead acted like the whole charade was my fault. I did like you did… I typed typed typed out my reply and then deleted it away.
Geeze, what is it about the holidays that makes people want to act like that? Sigh, good thing you have a cool head. Not much else you can do but that.*
I so relate. I’ve got plenty of family skeletons in my closet, too – and it is hard for me to think about them. I also have a couple of ex-boyfriends with whom things ended very poorly, and I am hoping to one day be able to get some closure on what happened with them.
I am really glad that you were able to repair the relationship with your father. I am also very glad that you received this communication from the other person. There’s something freeing about having that person reach out first, I think. My reaction would have been very similar to yours, in which my initial instinct would have been to lash out in the heat of anger or other emotion. I think you were very strong to handle it the way that you did. And I agree – no need to rush into working things out until (and if) you are ready.
Repairing things with my dad was one of the best things I have ever done, but it too a lot of time and distance to get to that point. I feel much more mature having gone through what I did with him and being able to come to terms with it and forgive him.*